Finding your way into a full household.

I had recently read Jayanthi Padmanaban's blogpost on joint family. I love it thoroughly and wanted to a write a little of my own chronicles of living in a joint family for over 3 years now.

It takes a lot of effort to adjust into living in a joint family. I'm definitely not suggesting living in one but for those who haven't found the humor in being in one can just find inspiration. If u can. Mostly, I ignored seeing the perks of it. But when I complained on and on, my husband one day said, 'just look at it like a joke.' At that moment it didn't dawn on me what he was trying to say but slowly it sunk in.

The first thing to do is learn to 'not react'. One is bound to get so many suggestions/advice/comments (definitely no compliments) on parenting and sometimes even on being a wife. Almost all of them irritate to the bone, so slowly once you learn to not react, it's just blissful. You remain the same and the comment goes unnoticed and the nobody gets hurt. When my husband asked me to look at it like a joke.. Most things weren't funny. But for those that actually were funny, turned out hilarious.

As a daughter in law, as a new mother, I got so much advice about avoiding using a diaper for my son. I was asked to stitch cloth diapers and use organic soap to wash them. I was always for a big no no for cloth diapers. One, it is a lot of work. Two, there actually is no harm. Three, in a joint family with three children within the ages of 4, no one has the time to wipe urine off the floor every time babies says 'onnu'. Everyone tells you that it produces a lot of heat and creates rashes. I haven't faced any of that so far and my son is fine. So I just learned to stick to my decision. When things go the way you thought was right, your actions speak louder than words. I'm not proud about proving my diaper point here but just saying, it's a lot easier to just nod your head, listen and then go do whatever the hell you want.

Potatoes are only for poori and not for any sabji. Why? Because my mother in law said so. So just go with it. Don't ever try to persuade anyone into trying a new dish cause you'll bear the brunt if it is wasted at the end of day and you will never be complimented even if it is yummy as hell. If you want to introduce something pick the day you are left alone at home to cook for the entire family. That way your reason can be, 'I found it easier to cook something that I know to.' Everyone eats without a word. There are definitely 2/9 complaining about not liking the food. Say you had to stick to the menu. So you did.


It's wonderful to enter a home with three babies walking towards you even before you've opened the door. Whether you are a baby's person or not, hug them, kiss them and love them. They are going to know it forever. Teach kids to share their toys at home, they have absolutely no problem in school. Growing up with kids their own age is fun. One baby does one cute thing, another one learns it too. The fun thing abt home is, when one baby does something new, we all clap every single time. They love it. They repeat it so much and clap along.

With a full household, going for a late night movie is a big luxury. It's been ages I set my foot in a theatre. I've made my peace with it, but you please don't. Demand for a movie or an outing once in a while cause otherwise your husband will learn the words 'Download and watch.' And when you do that you will be helping movie piracy online. Don't. If you want to watch a movie, get someone to babysit. And go. Don't download. Cause later you will never have a story to tell people when they ask you 'what movie did you see first after your wedding'. Mine always is 'just the one'. If you can get someone to babysit, just do it.  You need 3 hours to lose yourself in a theatre filled with real people and reel people.

I've heard and seen many complaining about how they can never pursue their interests after their wedding. Just, find a way, pls. I still am.

I loved Jayanthi's mention about how there is never savings in a joint family. It's true mostly. No one is ever aware of the financial status of the family. It takes a while to figure out how to handle your personal finances. I'd just say 'stick to dealing with it through your husband'. No one else. If there is an open invitation to help run the family business, go ahead if you want to. In proper words, don't meddle with the finances and the family business. If you want to talk about it, just talk with your husband. It's just safe.

Even with so much said, so much adjustment, do not give up on who you are. Stand for what is right. Bring your children up the way you want to. Consider ideas from inputs but the final decision is yours.


If you want to be happy, find your way. I've found mine. The complaining graph is way lower now. Stick it out. There is definitely a home somewhere that is waiting to be yours. Waiting to be furnished your way and run your way. Somewhere.

Friend.

If you have disappointed your best friend, you have really done wrong. Good news is, they will always forgive you. 

Soul searching. You.

Me : so, why do you go to this ashram?
She : soul searching.
Me : who's soul?
She : mine. To find myself.
Me : you've lived with yourself for 27 years and you are going to find yourself in an ashram.
She : ok, then to lose myself.

Spirituality : a deep meaningful relationship that gets a process in knowing oneself. 

Motherhood and what has been so far...

I knew there would be a point in life when I would jump with joy about a cupboard filled with new clothes. Well, it's now.

Motherhood takes its toll. Every mother I have known and talked to has said it's the most beautiful feeling. To have a cute clueless baby smile and laugh is beautiful. But staring into a cupboard and not knowing what to wear every single morning is... Is practically every woman's problem... But a new mother's waste of time as well. Cause when u r deciding what to wear, your baby has either pooped, thrown up or is biting into your cell phone's charger.

After 1.4 years and ten months ... Of a changing physical body, I have a feeling my body has decided to remain in a state. So ta-da!! Here I'm celebrating a cupboard of new clothes.

If you have a WTH reaction on your face... Just close this window. Only mommies my state will understand. 

When arranged marriages become 'love' marriages..

I have heard of stories from my grandmothers about their arranged marriages. My maternal grandmother was married to her sister's husband's brother. Her engagement was done with another guy when her brother in law fought for her hand for his brother. Apparently her father gave in and got her married immediately, at the age of 13. She bore no children for 7 years and then my eldest aunt arrived and my mum followed, then my uncle and then my youngest aunt. My paternal grandmother's wedding story goes like this... She was the last child in her family. Being a girl baby, the villagers suggested her mother to kill her as soon as she was born but my great grandma didn't cave. After ten years of love, she passed away leaving my grandma the sole woman in the family who started running the kitchen, the fields and everything on her own at a very young age. My grandpa had no father and he was raised by one of the village elders who also paid for his education. Being the only young man in the village with an SSLC certificate he was offered jobs out of town which made it difficult to find a bride for him. No one wanted to see their daughter go away. Who does! My grandpa's brother and his girlfriend were getting anxious to get married somy great grandma got my grandpa married to this girl who lived like a queen since she was 13. They moved out immediately after marriage and ended up in Tirupur. Arranged marriages in those days were so quick, practical and dealt with in any way. They learned to fall in love, they learned to stick it out and they just didn't let go. They saved, they starved, they strived and they lived. 

Arranged marriages in my father's generation were a little more luxurious I'd say. My father's sister was married to someone who had a government job and she lived with her parents till they built a house for her and then she moved out. Luxury. My father was married to someone who he didn't know, who was younger than him by 13 years and a sportswoman. They saw each other twice before their wedding. Or that's what we know. They had a few telephone calls, which were pretty expensive then. Then apparently they met once when my mum was on her way to a badminton match in the train which stopped in Tirupur for 5 minutes. Hmm. Then they met only when they got married.


Arranged marriages today are different. So different. This is how it goes in Tirupur today. The two families meet at a temple or public place to allow the girl and guy to talk for maybe 5 minutes. Before this there is an extensive Facebook search for the obvious. They agree or disagree based n those few minutes. Then they go back home. Obviously in those desperate 5 minutes they have exchanged phone numbers and common friends names. The courting over the phone begins. Then the day where the families officially eat at each others houses comes. The boy is allowed to come to the girl's house but the vice versa isn't possible. You know what happens when the girl sets foot in the guy's house even before marriage. Sky falls down, really. Wen the guy's family comes to the girl's house, they eat,  exchange gifts, give the bride jewellery. Please note I said bride only after she gets the jewellery. Cause till then it's not confirmed no. Thanku. The girls family in turn gives the guy jewellery at his house. The men sit together talking politics, trade and the whole who knows who aspects. The women sit in groups discussing the house, the room where the bride will live in after marriage, the maid aspects (if the groom's house has a maid). Then they eat and leave. Then comes the shopping for the engagement and wedding. Bride and groom go with siblings or cousins one day prior to shopping day and select jewellery and clothes they will wear for the wedding and engagement. The next day the same amount of people come back to see what the two families have bought. The older ladies change the bride's saree selections and the men just stand outside and talk politics, trade and the who knows who aspects. The clothes and jewellery are billed and paid for at an auspicious hour. Cause it is really difficult for the bride and groom to have done it the previous day. What will the world think. Unmarried girl and boy buying their own wedding clothes. Sky will fall, really. Did I mention the jewellery worth Crores which will lie in a bank locker for years together? Exchange of gifts - guy gives girl iPad/phone/puppy (in some cases). 

They Skype, they call, they SMS, they MMS, they flirt (officially), they make promises, write their own vows without paper. This is also love. 

But the fun doesn't end. 

So now comes the day where the bride and groom choose their card. The wedding card that the two give out together to friends. With the tackiest lyrics inside copied from good old google. The card cannot be in colours like black and white amuse you know, the sky will fall. Well, invites printed, sent. The comes the days with the long phone calls like we see in all movies. Somehow the whole world has been thinking these two haven't met separately before. But they obviously have gone for dinners and dates together with the knowledge of no one but their parents. There is always someone who they know who has sen them and the word spreads like wildfire. Anyway, sky hasn't fallen yet. The day of the wedding is here and the whole Mandap is full. The bride and groom have each their personal photographer shooting every bit of their wedding. The food, the menu, the flowers, the make up, the make up box, the makeup woman, the flowers at the arrival desk, the flowers at the buffet, flowers everywhere, flowers n the girls' hair also cause if she doesn't wear them, the sky will fall. 


Pictures clicked, videos taken, parents crying, best friends smiling, hundred million phones clicking along, smoke, fire, kum kum, thread, tied - DONE. Done? No way. You think it would stop with that? What about the reception? A thousand guests again, elaborate menu, flowers he, flowers there, makeup, clothes, jewellery - entire bling. Pictures clicked and the end. Now? Officially yes, but this is where we really get showy. Remember those personal photographers? They aren't getting paid in lakhs just so they can click pictures of flowers and other people and get away with a big fat album and cheque. We have the outdoor photography. Then the out of town photography. Then the portraits, ok explanation. Wear the same clothes and jewellery like at the wedding, reception and engagement and have a shoot of just the bride and groom... Sorry husband and wife AGAIN so there will be some pictures where they aren't tired or sweaty. Fancy huh! Then comes the Indian honeymoon shoot. Explanation again -Take ur new wife to a beautiful place within India and pose like you both are in a song from a tacky Tamil movie and have a photographer click pictures of you. In the woods, by the new car your father in law gave you as a wedding present, by the new car you father bought for you cause you know you got married, with the girl in a saree, wit the girl in a saree with her hair loose, with the girl in a saree and her hair let loose looking at the husband and all that jazz. Indian honeymoon recorded. 


Somewhere after all this a honeymoon abroad is planned and time well spent. No photographer. 



Pregnant yet? If yes? Please read two lines below. If no, read on still. 
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Here we are. If she's pregnant, there is more photography. Pregnancy photography. Baby shower photography. Birth. Infant photography. First family pictures. Meanwhile someone somewhere is arguing as to why the wedding pictures haven't arrived yet? Of course the photographer had time to work on them. Wedding pictures arrive... Amidst diapers and sleepless nights, pictures are seen, enjoyed and shared on Facebook, whatsapped. 

Love exists. 
Right from the times where girls saw their grooms only the moment they got married to now, where girls see the guys everyday, in any which way. 

Love exists. Arranged marriages don't. 

Right from the times when the girl shyly picked up the receiver to speak that STD call her to be husband made just so he could hear her voice, to now, where every other second there is text, mms or SMS. 

Turning 1, as parents.

Come August 14, and Baby G will be one year old. A year that has been so eventful, a year that has brought so much joy, a year that has been recorded, photographed, written about, video-taped and memorized in every way possible. There is a part of me that thinks there isn't enough technology in he world to record a little more. Motherhood has been so overwhelming. I know I've screwed up a few times in this year, but the satisfying thing now is he doesn't know it and he has just accepted me the way Iam. Even in the initial few days where I had no idea what to do or how to do it, he felt comfortable in the warmth of my hands and my hold. That acceptance has changed the entire me. 

After a very safe 3 months with my parent's help and love, Gnan and I moved in again to my in laws house. We spent the first night in the same room, just the 3 of us on Gnan's 29th day and the togetherness had begun wonderfully ever since. The 3am poop and the 6am cry have been so memorable... the goof ups of putting the diaper wrong with those sleepy eyes, getting powder on our faces too, rolling over his tiny hands in our sleep are just unforgettable. Now we share a room with our little boy who sleeps before us, wakes before us and rolls between the two of us leaving us laughing at odd hours. 

The firsts of everything have been carefully photographed and youtubed. First time he rolled over, first tooth, first rain, first wedding, first shoes, first smile, firsts vacation... all the first are just amazing. Not just because the baby book's need the date and time and picture... but because the wonder of birth was gradually looking smaller than the wonder of watching him grow.

As parents Padhu and I have so far spoiled G so much. Im not sure if we will be strict parents or confused parents... but from the looks of it, we are going to be accepted parents. Gnan has changed our lives every way. As a parent, everyone says, responsibility tags along.. I think we see their point. Or wait, do we? 

Right from the day I got pregnant, I started writing a baby journal for Gnan. To give to him the day he begins to understand as a child and read as an adult. His 16th birthday. Wishing he loves it as much as I do.

He right now hugs his dad's hands and sleeps at night, calls his 'baaba', calls me 'immmma', stares into my eyes when he wants to poop, says 'mmaaaaa' when he sees our cow, fearlessly pats my dogs chitti and remo, calls my brother 'mama', does the thalam when I sing to him, shakes him head like he's enjoying it when my grann sings to him, says 'ommmmmmm' when he goes into the puja room, crawls with one leg folded, walks with some support around the bed, table, shakes his bum to fast beats, listens to the same songs he heard as a foetus when he sleeps, licks our cheeks when we ask him for a kiss, bends down to suck him toe, bites anyone who touch his lips or tries to check his teeth, poses beautifully for cameras, watches rhymes with his toy in hand, shakes his head when he listens to Johny say 'No papa' in the rhyme, claps his hand when his cousin says he rhymes, eats 5 meals a day, goes for a walk every evening with his imma. 

A very fun loving and cheerful baby so far, I hope Gnan remains happy and healthy and loved by everyone around him. As a parent, I hope to give him a lot of courage and be courageous myself to see him grow and turns years older! 

July 23, 2013.

Cake ordered, balloons bought, guest list ready, just hope Baby G doesn't fall asleep when he has to cut cake. 

Go one day without...

At my bachelorette party, my friends all put in advices in small chits and I had to pick them one by one and find out who wrote them. There were so many whacked out advices but a few have helped me so much. One of them said 'listen to your mother in law and your husband, then do what you want. It's your life after all.' My favourite of all. There was one more, which I did not give much credit for. I still do not know who wrote it. It said 'go one day without complaining. It will make a world of difference.' 

A bunch of my friends and I went to watch a Hindi movie, Rang De Basanti, when in college. I remember a dialogue from the movie which was 'I cannot believe I packed my bags and came to a country where people are waiting for a chance to kill each other.' It was about India. All of us are waiting for a chance for something or the other. 'I'll do this the next time I visit Chennai.' 'I'll buy it when it's on sale.' 'I'll do something for him on our anniversary.' Why not now? When you can? When you want to? Why an occasion? 

Go one day without looking at your watch, and maybe you won't have anything to complain about anything at all. Time is the hero. Take him out of the picture and maybe nothing else will hold. All meetings will fall and alarms will die. A beautiful sunrise and sunset will make your day.